my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize