Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
