I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
