I will die if light touches me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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