Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize