i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
