your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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