She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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