i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
