So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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