im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
