then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
