I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
