I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
