I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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