i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
