When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
