Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize