I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
