How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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