How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
