1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
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