Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
