he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
