Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
