you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
