at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
