I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
