i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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