this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
