Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
