I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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