you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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