I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
