Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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