Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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