This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
