i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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