im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize