Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
