i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
