Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
