im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I faked an abortion last night.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
