Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
