Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
