i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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