you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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