I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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