it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
