I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
