does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
