my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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