My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
