it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize