Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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