i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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