shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
