He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
