the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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