I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize